Love the One You’re With


A friend recently sent me an article called “Why I’m Alone”. It is a response by Huffington Post columnist Lea Lane to the question she is often asked in the years following the death of her husband: Why is she still alone? Why doesn’t she date much?

While I’ve never loved and lost like Ms. Lane, I can certainly relate to the question, “Why are you alone?” In my case, it’s rephrased as “Why are you single?”

“I guess I’m just lucky,” I smirk.

Like most smartass responses, mine comes across as defensive, and I make no apologies for it. I am a strong and confident woman who owns her own condo, is making inroads into a new career and has a stellar credit history. Yet all that I achieve and accomplish tends to be overshadowed by my marital status.

“Why are you single?”

I could say that I choose to be single but that would be a lie. Take our biological disposition to mate and procreate, add centuries of social conditioning and stir in the fear of growing old alone. Is it any wonder that women get panic attacks when they’re not married by the time they’re 30?

I don’t choose to be single – I’ve just made my peace with it. If it really bothered me, I’d be more diligent in my pursuit of the opposite sex (my recent attempt at speed-dating notwithstanding, which is a separate blog post altogether). As it stands, I’m not in a particular hurry to get hitched. Marriage is not a goal of mine. I just want to find someone who I connect with, can tolerate my need for alone time and recognizes the genius of Tex Avery, Jon Stewart and Neil Gaiman. And I want to take my time finding him.

“Why are you single?”

My friend Catherine put it succinctly: “I sincerely believe that if I’m meant to meet someone, I will. I’m not going to moan about it if I don’t.” Amen, sister.

Until I meet my Mr. Right-For-Me, I’m enjoying my life. Here are my reasons why I’m okay with being single (with gratitude to Ms. Lane).

  • I’m never lonely – I have a wealth of friends who I can see more often than I could if I was in a relationship.
  • Dating provides so much interesting material for anecdotes and blog posts.
  • On weekends, I can wake up late or stay in bed all day.
  • I don’t have to answer to someone else.
  • I can take off for the weekend on the spur of the moment.
  • I have more time to spend with my family.
  • I can watch any movie I want to, even if it’s a weepy chick flick.
  • I look way younger than my years and I chalk that up to carefree living.
  • I don’t have to cook if I don`t want to.
  • I don’t have to be disappointed and hurt when a man no longer likes me.
  • I have the bathroom all to myself.
  • I can flirt to my heart’s content.
  • I love experiencing the thrill of meeting someone new and imagining what they’re like in bed. I love knowing that I can find out firsthand.
  • I don’t have to date a man I’m not crazy about because I’m “not getting any younger.”
  • I don’t have to shave my legs every day.
  • No one is hogging the bed sheets but me.
  • I can drink milk/juice straight from the carton.
  • I have total control over the television remote.

What are your reasons?


4 Comments on Love the One You’re With

  1. Christine Smith
    September 23, 2009 at 4:27 pm (9 years ago)

    At 30 I was most happy and contented. I lived in super part of the city; owned my own car; had a rewarding, well-paying job, along with a loving, supportive family and good friends.

    I decided about a year earlier to quit trying to find that “special someone.” Too much effort for too little return.

    Then, some friends introduced me to their long-time friend at a casual New Year’s Eve gathering. That was in 1980. We celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary two weeks ago.

    Sometimes things happen even when you’re not trying.

  2. Bons Mots
    September 23, 2009 at 5:21 pm (9 years ago)

    Thank you for sharing, Christine. I haven’t given up hope, but I’m also not clinging to it.

    I’ve stopped trying, too. I still have a profile on one dating site, which I check occasionally – if only for material.

  3. Brennan
    March 24, 2010 at 7:26 pm (9 years ago)

    Hey Bonnie,

    Great post. Aha. I know the feeling. I have had so many bummer dates that, like, it’s bad news. Like you say, good material. =)

    I finally found your biz card and saw that I had remembered to write down your blog. Coolness! I’ll follow more, and add you to ma roll!


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