Archive of ‘Dating’ category

Email From A Guy: Sir Loin of Beef Edition

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Him: A gentleman introduction of utmost importance to u

Your Knight in shiney armour awaits.

Me: You spelled “shiny” wrong.

A gentleman introduction of utmost importance to u

Jan. 22, 2011 – 1:18am

Your Knight in shiney armour awaits.A gentleman introduction of utmost importance to u

Jan. 22, 2011 – 1:18am

Your Knight in shiney armour awaits.


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Email From a Guy: “I see London, I see France” Edition

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Christmas is a wonderful time of year. I received this “gift” on the weekend from OKStupid. Enjoy.

Hello Ant Andre

how are you?. lovely pictures.. i would like to chat and get to know you… I’m from south America, I’ve in Canada for over 20 years. i will answer any question you may have and add to it for you to see me more…hmmmmm how about that??. I don’t know if you like man like me or not… ? i guess time will tell.

ohhhhhhhh Please don’t pee on your Victoria Secret panties, there are expensive and maybe you’ll regret it or pee again on another one when you remember.

cheers bonita

Will


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I’m too sexy for your dating site

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It’s the little things that put the spring in your step (and the ego into overdrive)…

This email was sent to me last week:

We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of OkCupid’s most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you’d like to know.

How can we say this with confidence? We’ve tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people’s reactions to you in QuickMatch and Quiver.

Your new elite status comes with one important privilege:

You will now see more attractive people in your match results.

This new status won’t affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match’s answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You’ll be shown to more attractive people in their match results.

Suddenly, the world is your oyster. Login now and reap the rewards. And, no, we didn’t just send this email to everyone on OkCupid. Go ask an ugly friend and see.

Oh, yes. I believe you. Do you also happen to have a bridge in Brooklyn you can sell me?


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Reasons Why I May Be Single: Early 20th Century Edition

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I love vintage ads. They certainly didn’t beat around the bush back then. They told you, in very frank and explicit terms, why you needed to buy this product – you were too fat, you were too ugly, you were single!

In these times of subliminal messaging, where the misogyny behind an ad is hidden in subtext and “art”, it’s kind of refreshing to look at advertising from yesteryear. At least they told you what was wrong with you – to your face.

So when someone asks me, “Why are you single?”, I can choose from many possible reasons, thanks to vintage advertising.

1. I smell.

2. I`m constipated.

3. I`m smart.

4. I smell.

5. I sleep around.


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Neither an of­fi­cer nor a gentleman

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Like most women my age, I have always harboured fantasies about a uniformed man coming into my place of work, literally sweeping me off my feet and carrying me off into the sunset. In An Officer and a Gentleman, Richard Gere dons a white naval uniform and does exactly that to Debra Winger. We all remember it – it’s stored in our mental filing cabinet, next to John Cusack holding up the boom-box in Say Anything.

But truth is way more boring than fiction, and the stereotype of the dashing man in uniform is just that – a stereotype. Case in point: below is an email I received yesterday on an online dating site. It pretty much speaks for itself.  

my name is Joe McCreepy*. I was born and brought up in Atlanta,Georgia,United state and now work with the united states army department as a captain.
am 38 years old….i came across your profile on here and i felt you could be the one am looking for, so I have decided to write you this long message giving you the full details of me..
I like meeting new people and learning new things.Am a real guy who appreciates a gentlewoman.i don’t play games and i don’t want any woman to play me because i have had so many bad experience in my relationship in the past.. i have been hurt so many times and i know what it feels to be hurt.. am Intelligent,very educated,full of passions,attractive and very honest with anything i do in life …
I want to ask you- what if someone you never know ,someone you never meet ,someone you never talked to…was the only someone for you..think about it 
Am looking for a very good serious relationship with a loving,caring,romantic,faithful and a honest woman.someone who’s going to love me and that i will love in returns…do you have IM so we could talk on messenger?…my yahoo id is xxx expecting to hear from you soon.

Kind Regards.
cpt.joe mccreepy

*Names have been changed to protect the weird and stalker-ish.

Now, I’ve always been the type to respond, even with a simple “No, thank you.” Which is what I did. This is what I got back:

hi,
Thanks for your message.i live in Atlanta but am currently deployed to Israel by the united states army department… I want to ask you- what if someone you never know ,someone you never meet ,someone you never talked to…was the only someone for you..think about it..long distance doesn’t matter,we will get to meet some day.if you get to click together,i could relocate to Canada….we could get to talk more on IM,my yahoo id is xxx .what is your email?,so i could add you on my IM list.expecting to hear from you.
joe

At ease, soilder. At ease.

As if.


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