Archive of ‘Dating’ category

Email From A Guy: Harlequin Romance Edition


lovely day for walk along the water maybe not lol
maybe a bonfire at nite and a bottle of wine
we could look at the stars
or play in the sand
just a thought lol
luv to chat on msn or phone

im italian french
luv my cottage and playing sports
you are so georgeous wow
wish we we could go for a walk
maybe a drink of wine
under the stars

also see the sparks fly wow
hope u are as passionate as me


Email From a Guy: Doris Day Edition


I received this email from an online dating site.

Dear Antandre,
Please view my profile and see if you will like us to be companions. Regards – xxx

Intrigued by the fact he used proper grammar and spelling and didn’t fall into the usual bad first-message habits, I did view his profile.

Profile Name: AprilOx

I am Mature, Resourceful, and Has Initiative.

My name is xxx. I am a Mechanical Engineering Technologist­­­ working in the Auto Industry. I immigrated to Canada in 1998 from Nigeria.
I am looking for Long Term Companionshi­p with a female Member that shares common interests and within close proximity to me for Text Messaging, Emails, Chats and Phone discussions on personal and common interests as well as frequent outings together and occasional visit and motoring together to amusement and tourist places.
My hobbies are: Working on small Instruments and Gadgets, Internet, Leisure Driving, Visits to Tourist Locations and Amusement Parks, Flight Gazing and the Outdoors in General.
Quo Sera Sera, Country and Contemporary­
Action, Westerns, Mature and Comedy
Documentarie­s and Sports
The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People

After I stopped laughing, I read something that was posted by the dating site after his email:

Lately we’ve gotten a handful of complaints about Africans pretending to be stranded American men. These scams are rare. Still, protect yourself.

1. Keep your conversation on [this website].

2. Don’t give money to people on the internet.

3. Don’t believe people who claim to be traveling or stranded in far off places. If such a person contacts you, please click the flag icon on their profile.

Darn. Just when I thought I’ve finally found my (Nigerian) prince charming.

Quo sera sera.


Love the One You’re With


A friend recently sent me an article called “Why I’m Alone”. It is a response by Huffington Post columnist Lea Lane to the question she is often asked in the years following the death of her husband: Why is she still alone? Why doesn’t she date much?

While I’ve never loved and lost like Ms. Lane, I can certainly relate to the question, “Why are you alone?” In my case, it’s rephrased as “Why are you single?”

“I guess I’m just lucky,” I smirk.

Like most smartass responses, mine comes across as defensive, and I make no apologies for it. I am a strong and confident woman who owns her own condo, is making inroads into a new career and has a stellar credit history. Yet all that I achieve and accomplish tends to be overshadowed by my marital status.

“Why are you single?”

I could say that I choose to be single but that would be a lie. Take our biological disposition to mate and procreate, add centuries of social conditioning and stir in the fear of growing old alone. Is it any wonder that women get panic attacks when they’re not married by the time they’re 30?

I don’t choose to be single – I’ve just made my peace with it. If it really bothered me, I’d be more diligent in my pursuit of the opposite sex (my recent attempt at speed-dating notwithstanding, which is a separate blog post altogether). As it stands, I’m not in a particular hurry to get hitched. Marriage is not a goal of mine. I just want to find someone who I connect with, can tolerate my need for alone time and recognizes the genius of Tex Avery, Jon Stewart and Neil Gaiman. And I want to take my time finding him.

“Why are you single?”

My friend Catherine put it succinctly: “I sincerely believe that if I’m meant to meet someone, I will. I’m not going to moan about it if I don’t.” Amen, sister.

Until I meet my Mr. Right-For-Me, I’m enjoying my life. Here are my reasons why I’m okay with being single (with gratitude to Ms. Lane).

  • I’m never lonely – I have a wealth of friends who I can see more often than I could if I was in a relationship.
  • Dating provides so much interesting material for anecdotes and blog posts.
  • On weekends, I can wake up late or stay in bed all day.
  • I don’t have to answer to someone else.
  • I can take off for the weekend on the spur of the moment.
  • I have more time to spend with my family.
  • I can watch any movie I want to, even if it’s a weepy chick flick.
  • I look way younger than my years and I chalk that up to carefree living.
  • I don’t have to cook if I don`t want to.
  • I don’t have to be disappointed and hurt when a man no longer likes me.
  • I have the bathroom all to myself.
  • I can flirt to my heart’s content.
  • I love experiencing the thrill of meeting someone new and imagining what they’re like in bed. I love knowing that I can find out firsthand.
  • I don’t have to date a man I’m not crazy about because I’m “not getting any younger.”
  • I don’t have to shave my legs every day.
  • No one is hogging the bed sheets but me.
  • I can drink milk/juice straight from the carton.
  • I have total control over the television remote.

What are your reasons?


Vanity, thy pro­file name is HandsomeStrongM


Over brunch with some girlfriends today, the conversation turned to online dating, as it so frequently does when you get a bunch of single girls together. We all have profiles on a certain dating site and shared our dating horror stories. It reminded me of a recent exchange I had with someone on the site. It’s so audaciously head-shaking funny that I had to share it. It also shows why I’m okay with remaining single for the rest of my life, if this is any indication of what is out there.

I later discovered that this guy sent the exact same email to three other girlfriends of mine on the same site. A lesson to men: don’t use cookie-cutter tactics when approaching women, either in person or online. We do talk to each other.



PR and on­line dat­ing: Part Three


Ahoy hoy, my fellow singletons. This is the final installment of my non-award winning series on online dating and PR. In this chapter, I conclude with The Profile, the crème de la crème of your online dating persona. Or, as per my brand analogy, the Product. You’ve drawn in the potential buyer (mate) with your logo (picture) and your slogan (tagline) now it’s time to deliver the goods (you).

Have you ever bought a product that had a great slogan, an expensive advertising campaign and a massive amount of build-up behind it? A product that was so buzzed about that if it ever lived up to its hype it would be the BEST THING EVER INVENTED? If you have, how disappointed were you? Take the iPhone. It holds 3,000,000 songs and you can access Facebook on it but it hasn’t completely changed your life the way you thought it would, has it? It doesn’t give you next week’s lotto numbers and you have to deal with Rogers support.

The lesson I’m trying to impart here, perhaps unsuccessfully (if an analogy falls in the forest and there’s no one around to get it, does it make a sound?), is: Be honest. Don’t make yourself out to be the greatest thing since sliced bread or the internal combustion  engine. Yes, you’re trying to differentiate yourself from the competition but you already offer something that is unique and one-of-a-kind: you. There’s someone for everyone, a good friend once told me, so your goal, grasshopper, is to find your someone.

Take your time, do it right

I’ve been on a lot of dating sites and I have never come across one with a time limit for creating your profile. Why do so many read as if they’ve been written under duress? (“You have five minutes to write your profile, Mr. Bond, or I’ll blow up London.”) Like good sex, writing your profile takes time, patience and skill. A nice bottle of Shiraz also helps.

  • Write your profile in Word.
  • Copy edit.
  • Spellcheck.
  • Copy edit again.
  • Send it to a friend for feedback. (Note: you may risk laughter and ridicule, so be careful which friend you send it to.)
  • Post it and watch the ladies flock to your profile.*

(*No money-back guarantee.)

A little help from my friends

Does this look familiar?

“My friends say I’m handsome/smart/witty. “

Of course they do – they’re your friends. If they don’t say things like that from time to time, you should consider getting new ones. But the thing about friends is their lack of objectivity. Oh sure, they’ll bring up embarrassing moments from your life and poke fun at your past misdemeanors (like how you used to pronounce David Bowie’s last name as Bao-wie – completely hypothetical, by the way). But when it comes to setting you up they will not hesitate to make you sound like a great catch, if only to get you laid so you can stop whining about how lonely you are.

So, refrain from including any endorsements by your friends. (AND parents. God, those are the worst. I mean, what mother doesn’t believe their child is the Second Coming?  I read somewhere that women experience a type of chemical change to the brain after giving birth. This is to make them forget how very, very painful childbirth was so they can fall completely and irrevocably in love with their baby and not kill it out of revenge. Or somesuch, I’m just paraphrasing. )

Wow, what a big ego you have

It’s a thin line between confidence and vanity, and only a few adroit individuals manage to walk it successfully. Those that can’t end up sounding like pompous jerks. These were plucked from actual dating profiles – the identities are hidden to protect the stupid:

“I’m the man of your dreams.”

“Stop – don’t look any further.”

And my favourite:


  • restless entrepreneur and investment banker
  • ambitious
  • well-educated
  • career-oriented
  • thrill seeker
  • successful yet humble

No, I did not make the last one up.

Stick to facts like occupation or location, any fact that can’t be refuted or subjected to debate. (E.g. “I’m a graphic designer living in downtown Toronto. I have short, brown hair and blue eyes,” or “I am Elmer J. Fudd, millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht.”) Just like the “My friends say I’m…” sentence, avoid subjective self-descriptions. Your date will decide whether you’re funny, smart or a raving narcissist.

Long walks on the beach, sunsets and puppies

The best way to attract potential dates is by listing your likes or hobbies – music, books, activities. Don’t give a laundry list, just a general description of your interests, e.g. soul music, anime, taxidermy. You might end up with a date for the next sci-fi convention or food and wine show. A good idea is to tell the reader what your perfect date would involve, or what you do on a typical Friday night (I’d avoid any mention of crying, masturbation or porn; besides, those are all givens when you’re single).

I don’t need no stinking Spellcheck

According to the Canadian Council on Learning (CCL), 48% of adult Canadians have literacy levels too low to cope in modern society. What bothers me is that a lot of men on dating sites can obviously read and write but choose not to. They may want to appear hip (e.g. hey there. i hope you like my profile. i am a handsome stud.) or emphasize how eager they are (e.g. HEY THERE! I HOPE YOU LIKE MY PROFILE! I AM A HANDSOME STUD!). I also suspect that most men just don’t care (e.g. Hey ther. Hope you lik my profile. I am handsome, stud.) Whatever the reason, poor grammar and spelling is a big turn-off for most women. A man who doesn’t put a lot of thought into his online persona more than likely has skidmarks on his underwear and a towering pile of pizza cartons on his kitchen counter.

Many people struggle with learning disabilities and ESL courses while you take your first-world education, piss all over it and light it on fire. This is not cool.

Shopping lists

Don’t give us a list of what you look for in a woman. You’re looking for a date, not shopping for groceries. If you want someone who enjoys participating in sports, it’s fair to ask for that in your profile – you want to keep the couch potatoes away. But ask for something like this:

I’m looking for an attractive, intelligent, sexy, spontaneous woman in her 20s who isn’t into head games and is open-minded.

and you might as well be asking for a leprechaun to come flying in on a unicorn with a pot o’ gold. Perhaps no one has told you this, so I’ll be the one to break it to you: No woman is that perfect. (Neither are you, for that matter; stop being so picky.)

Every man wants a woman who is attractive, smart and funny. Don’t state the obvious. List the attributes that YOU find attractive that others may not: “You have a Princess Leia costume”; “You appreciate a fine zombie movie”; or “You live for paragliding.”

When a woman reads your laundry list of expectations, do you know what she does? First, she checks off the traits she doesn’t have. (Blame Cosmo and Vogue for that.) Then she moves on to the next profile. So, if you are looking for a 24 to 35-year-old woman who must fit your very narrow criteria, the chances are good you’ve lost the interest of that attractive, intelligent, just-turned 36-year-old sexpot who owns a Princess Leia metal bikini.


Some things are best left unsaid, or saved until the third date. These include broken relationships, past heartaches or stories that sound like lyrics from a country song. You can mention you’re divorced or have children – there are some facts you should be upfront about from the beginning. But stay away from documenting your inner struggles following a bad breakup. Some profiles read like depressing novels; if you want to channel your inner Tolstoy, take a writing class. Otherwise, you won’t get many responses, save for the occasional recommendation of a good therapist.

So, there you have it. I hope this helps you in your journey for love and happiness. I leave you with hope, good thoughts and this butchered film quote:

If you build a good profile, they will come.



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