The Craptacular: Guantanamo Edition


Tortured For Her Weight

By Bonnie Dean

She doesn’t know how long she was un­con­scious. She was even un­sure how long she had been in the cham­ber. Days and hours melded into one an­other. Time be­came mean­ing­less; her pain was eternal.

Khloe twisted her body to ease the stiff­ness in her limbs. Her move­ment was lim­ited by the iron chains that bound her wrists and an­kles. Her back still stung from the lash­ings. Each bead of sweat that trick­led into her open wounds felt like a lit­tle knife. 

Someone splashed wa­ter on her face. The cold­ness of it shocked her into tem­po­rary alertness.

As her eyes fo­cused, the three dark fig­ures be­fore her be­came sharper – her torturers.

The tallest one stepped for­ward. She could smell the rot com­ing from his mouth. She hoped the can­cer that was eat­ing his in­sides caused him as much pain as he made her experience.

Give us your weight!” he screamed. His spit­tle landed on her forehead.

Khloe glared at him. “No!” she cried.

Her de­fi­ance seemed to both amuse and anger him. She thought she saw the cor­ner of his mouth go up, but it was gone so quickly she couldn’t tell if it was a smile or a sneer. His face turned red and his brow be­came furrowed.

This is your last chance. You will give us your weight!”

She had been tor­tured for a lot of things — for in­for­ma­tion, mostly. The where­abouts of her crim­i­nal boyfriend, the hid­ing place of their cache of guns, when they buried the gold they stole. But never for her weight. It made no sense to her, but given the strange, illogical path the world was tak­ing, noth­ing sur­prised her anymore.

Never!” Khloe said, her voice af­fect­ing a low, dead tim­bre. “You can tor­ture me all you want, I will never give you my weight! You can have all the gold. And the guns. But not my curves!”

And with every last bit of en­ergy she could muster, with every drop of saliva she could draw from her mouth, she spit in his face.

His eyes grew wide. He wiped her phlegm from his face, and looked at it in his palm. The insolence!

He drew up his hand and slapped her. The gi­ant ring on his fin­ger left a small gash in her cheek. That’ll leave a mark, Khloe thought.

For that, you will DIE!”

He silently mo­tioned to the other two men, who be­gan to un­lock the chains bind­ing her to the rack. As they dragged her away to face her ex­e­cu­tioner, Khloe called out her last words -

I fear noth­ing for God is with me…and my bo­da­cious booty!”


When You Were Young: Nobody’s Diary


What kinda boy you’re lookin’ for girl?
Must he be just like your favourite movie star?

- What Kinda Boy You’re Lookin’ For (Girl), Hot Chocolate

March of 1983 must of ush­ered in some kind of spring fever, be­cause there is no other way to ex­plain this dri­vel. As you read this, you’ll no­tice I once thought 30 was middle-aged. I wish I had a time ma­chine so I could go back and smack by 14-year-old self.

March 2/83

Well, what do you know! O’Toole can’t talk that good, so we’re get­ting a free pe­riod! And I’m split­tin early to­day, like at 3:00. Boogie has band, and like it’s to­tally bor­ing, so I’m go­ing home and watch “General Hospital”. It’s get­ting good, Holly lost her baby, they have a hunch on who killed Susan, and Blackie (uhh!) is help­ing out this girl (run­away) who doesn’t even have eyes for him. Stupid fool. If I could have 10 min­utes alone with that guy, heav­ens knows what would hap­pen. I’m in a happy mood to­day, I don’t know why. Tomorrow we have a Math Test — (yuck) — Enzo got sus­pended, and I have projects up to my ears, and I got –3 in my net words in typ­ing — sad case, man. Boogie al­ways makes up sad po­ems, so I’ll try:

dead kit­tens, dead kit­tens,
means no more mit­tens
They ate their pie
and said good­bye
Who knows they would die,
Oh me, oh my,
dead kit­tens, dead kittens

S-a-a-ad, man, with a cap­i­tal S. Now I know why Boogie’s de­ranged as she is. Well, these 10 min­utes are tak­ing quite long, so I might as well go. Bye!

March 8/83

Chello! I guess you were read­ing those notes, eh? Well, sorry I haven’t been writ­ing in you lately, but you know, work, work, work! It be­hooves me to say, did you watch “Square Pegs” last night? Those guys who were play­ing were such babes, they looked like the Stray Cats. Anyways, I hear we’re gonna dis­sect frogs to­day. Good, ’cause I hear they give you warts — or was it toads? Well, I don’t know what to write in you, jour­nal, ex­cept that Enzo is back, Daniela still loves Lino, Elena has long hair, Boogie’s got frizzy hair, and what do I have? — not only beau­ti­ful hair, but I got flair! Oh-oh, I think I’ve been read­ing Medusa’s jour­nal too much. Ahhhh– I’m turn­ing to stone! Ohh, save me, help me. Why am I writ­ing in red? I don’t know. Hey, Medusa, if you’re read­ing this, I think you’re a ig­no­rant slut! Your men­ac­ing hair and your rough face makes my puke un­de­sir­ably. (Just jokin’.) Bye! Have a won­der­ful day!

March 10/83

Hi! Did yu hear about Mark B — — – ‘s fa­ther? Well, there was this rob­bery, and a win­dow was smashed of a de­part­ment or jew­elry store, and Mark’s fa­ther was re­pair­ing it and didn’t no­tice the live wire that killed him. I don’t even know the guy, but I still feel sorry for him. You know you makes my day every­time I see him? E.M., you know. Well today’s Dianna D — — s’ birth­day, and did you see that hunk-of-a-babe Jeff Colby on Dynasty last night? That Kirby chick is one lucky bitch! Well, I don’t know what to write about to­day, so I think I’ll leave it up to here. Bye!

March 16/83

Chello! Today’s Elena’s birth­day (F — — -) and Elena C — – ‘s was the day be­fore. I’m sorry I haven’t writ­ten in you the other day, but I had to do my Eng. home­work. Boogie’s sick (No, no in the head — she’s al­ways sick in the head, if you know what I mean), and she stayed home (no, not in the in­sti­tu­tion, at home) and she has a stom­ach ache (prob­a­bly from the food they serve there or from the shock treat­ments). I shouldn’t make fun of her when she’s sick but, well, that’s me! This throat is killing me, and did you see “Gone with the Wind” yes­ter­day? That’s my favourite oldie.

I think E.M. knows and Diane L — – likes him. Well, if he goes for her, she can have him. You know what I’m scared of? Someone read­ing this, ex­cept for Daniela. All this stuff in here, man. Well tomorrow’s St. Pat’s day, and we can dress up like lit­tle lep­rechauns in snotty green. But don’t take me wrong, I’m not prej­u­dice or any­thing, it’s just that they could’ve picked an­other coloiur, like — pur­ple! or bet­ter yet, pink or red! or all those other snazzy colours. Well, chow!

P.S. Love ya!

March 18/83

Even though it’s March break next week, you won’t be lonely! I’ll be writ­ing my se­crets in you!

Hello! It’s March 27th, Sunday, and it’s back to tor­ture to­mor­row! Ooh, what I have to tell you, boy! I’ve tried to get picked up once, some­one fell in love with me, and we were looked at by so many gor­geous hunks of guys, man. We went down­town, the li­brary, and went to see “the Outsiders”. Wait ’till I return!

Hungry like the wolf” is play­ing now on the ra­dio. I get hun­gry like the wolf when I see them, man. Now, about when I was get­ting picked up. Well, we were (Angie + me) wait­ing out­side the chang­ing room of Stitches wait­ing for Boogie, while she was try­ing on polo shirts (which took prac­ti­cally all day), and while we were try­ing to break down the door, this middle-aged (maybe 30) came up to us and on his side was this cute guy who was about my age and then the man started ask­ing for my no. and I said no, my mother would kill me! and then he asked me if I wanted his and I said no. Then he asked me if I wanted a date with him. I said no to every­thing. I don’t think he liked it when his friend was al­ways push­ing him like that and he said that his friend was coo-coo and then he went back to work. I know all this time you must think I’m coo-coo, but I hate it when guys push their friends, and then we were go­ing to the can, and we were all star­ing at him and then when Ang + Boogie turned around, he mo­tioned his head to me to come over. Well, like a fool, I didn’t go cause I didn’t fee like it and plus I dunno if he was tak­ing to me!

March 29/83

Chello! After school to­day is soc­cer prac­tice. I’m glad that no one can read my writ­ing, be­cause if they try to look at you, they can’t un­der­stand it. I stayed up till 11:30 last night do­ing my sci­ence project. Sometimes Mr. V. dri­ves me up the wall. Did you hap­pen to catch “The Thorn Birds” last night? Oh, I for­got, I don’t have a T.V. in my locker. Well, any­way, the main char­ac­ter, played by Richard Chamerlain, in one scene, he was com­pletely nude ex­cept for the towel. Angie must have been freak­ing out, to­tally. And if there’s an­other thing I hate is typ­ing. Miss C. can stick her drills for cy­cles you know where! Every time I look at Boogie, I start to laugh, I dunno why. Maybe Mario dropped her be­cause when they were makin’ out, her hair was prob­a­bly all stuck in her face. Bye! (hahaha)

March 31/83

Oh, to­day we have a sci­ence test, and I couldn’t study ’cause Boogie has my notes. I have to go stoody be­cause we have sci­ence next, ’cause we have a short day and pe­ri­ods are only half an hour! Bye!


When You Were Young: Sweet Dreams Are Made of This


She blinded me with sci­ence
And failed me in biology

- She Blinded Me with Science, Thomas Dolby

Wow. Just wow. I don’t re­ally know what to say about these posts. February 1983 ap­pears to have been quite ac­tive, and if you judge me by my writ­ing, you’d think I had ADD. Maybe I did, but they didn’t di­ag­nose it as read­ily back then.

I was never a bril­liant stu­dent but a ge­nius at pro­cras­ti­nat­ing. I put in as much ef­fort into my study­ing as one can at mid­night on a school day. I can only imag­ine how far I could have gone if I had fo­cused my en­ergy more into school­work than I did at dream in­ter­pre­ta­tion and scorekeeping.

Feb. 1/83

Yello! We just came back from exam week, and for me, it wasn’t a good week­end be­cause I had the flu. Oh! We’re get­ting our ex­ams back and these are my marks! (so far) MATH — 72%, HISTORY — 79%, FRENCH — 70%, MUSIC — 80%, RELIGION — 93%, ENGLISH — 70%, SCIENCE — ?, AND TYPING — 79%. I went up a lot in his­tory and mu­sic! Anyway Ximena came here yes­ter­day, but when every­body came out, they were gone! Oh well, there’s noth­ing to write to­day, so I might as well say bye. Ciao!

Feb. 3/83

Yello! Dreams are strange! Like the one I had last night. I dreamt that the lead singer from the Stray Cats was play­ing hockey in the ten­nis court, and his jacket was in my room. It had all these groups on it and in big let­ters, JOHN LENNON was writ­ten on it! I was go­ing, All right! and then Boogie was sud­denly in my room. Then the ra­dio was play­ing “Stray Cat Strut” and we start danc­ing and singing and then the lead singer started look­ing through my win­dow and then Boogie started to act sleezy, and he was check­ing me out, and then I woke up, and I was mad! Who knows what could’ve happened!

And then there was the other dream I had the night be­fore. I dreamt that I was on the boat with these two other girls and the group Duran Duran. One of those girls was jeal­ous, be­cause one of the guys didn’t like her, but liked me (I looked older and had lots of makeup on, and had this short-short minidress on). First we were just sit­ting there, then he comes to sit next to me, and starts kiss­ing my neck. Then as soon as you know it, we’re get­ting down to it right on the floor! That girl started to cry, and they they all left. I woke up with a smile on my face. He was the key­boardist, I think, and he was such a babe! Bye!

Feb. 7/83

Well, it’s an­other bor­ing day, and my stomach’s hurt­ing! I might have to go home if it re­ally catches up. Guess what I got in net words in typ­ing to­day — 3. Sad, man. Oh, O’Toole is com­ing around to check our mythol­ogy home­work. I didn’t fin­ish it, so he’ll prob­a­bly tie me to the bot­tom of Mount Olympus and let the Gorgons get me! Good! I’m not gonna take a trip to Greece! Oh shit, I gotta get my booster (tetanus) shot to­day. Last time I had it (5 years ago), I started cry­ing. Chow!

Feb. 9/83

Hello! Oh, what a morn­ing! I came in late! Along with Daniela, be­cause the bus passed us by, and maybe, be­cause I woke up late! I also got a de­ten­tion, and guess who I like now: Enzo M — — – ! He’s cute, and he’s the one who gets called down to the of­fice al­most every day! Oh, well, maybe I don’t have to go to de­ten­tion to­mor­row, maybe they’ll miss me, maybe they won’t, then maybe I’ll get two de­ten­tions! Sorry about my messy writ­ing, some­one took my pen, and I in­tend to get it back! Revenge! Bye!

Feb. 15/83

Well, today’s the big play. “Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?” Yup, we’re gonna see ‘Romeo + Juliet’. Hey, did you see Square Pegs last night? Well, Bill Murray was on and it was hi­lar­i­ous! I saw this movie “Who will love my Children?” and I was cry­ing buck­ets. All right, all our pe­ri­ods last half an hour! Oh, bye!

Feb. 17/83

Hi! How was the play? It was good — and I mean good! Romeo was such a babe, and the play was a bit horny. Oh! The boys bas­ket­ball team (Enzo’s in it) lost to Chaminade yes­ter­day — 36 – 49 — and guess what Enzo said to me. “Fix the score” — I could’ve died! And R — – was all over Tony — yuck. That guy looks like an old geezer when he puts his hands in his pock­ets. Oh, don’t mind my snif­fling, I just have a cold that’s dri­ving me out of mind. As yes­ter­day was Andy Taylor’s birth­day (the gui­tarist as Duran Duran) — I think he was the one in my dream — any­way he turned 23 (I think). Guess what I got on my net words in the timed writ­ing — 0. Tonight’s an­other game with Brother Edmund Rice. I hope I can score­keep again, and I hope I don’t have to go get wa­ter. They made me do that when it was the mid­dle of the game. It was em­bar­rass­ing be­cause every­body was star­ing at me. (Ahhh!) Bye!

Feb. 21/83

Hello! O’Toole’s blab­bing his mouth about our project and al­most every­one isn’t lis­ten­ing ’cause they’re all writ­ing in there jour­nals. I went to bed (with who?) last night at 12:00 and couldn’t sleep till 1 AM, that’s why I’m yawn­ing every 5 min­utes. But you what I look for­ward to com­ing to school? ‘Cause Enzo comes! I think Gabe’s gonna tell ‘em. You know who I hate? Rex Smith! When that guy’s singing, it looks and sounds as if he’s hav­ing an ap­pen­dici­tis at­tack. And I also de­test Marylin McCoo. That old bag is so skinny, her hus­band prob­a­bly uses them for pick­ing his ears. I just love in­sult­ing peo­ple! Anyway, you know my cousin’s (sponsor’s) boyfriend? He was Friday’s sun­shine boy. Yes, they did break-up, but they’re still friends. I was hop­ing that they would tie the knot! Toodleloo!

Feb. 24/83

Hi! I jjust cam back from a P.D. day and it wasn’t that ex­cit­ing as a P.D. day should’ve been. First of all, I was wokin’ up by the sound of the T.V. at 10:00 AM, like I haven’t slept that much in a week, and I need the sleep! Then, I had a talk with my friendly (and all greedy) or­tho­don­tist who in­formed me that I have to get braces, and also re­minded how ex­pen­sive it is. My mother was freak­ing out, to­tally. The I went to the hos­pi­tal, only to get wires with lit­tle points stuck into my head, and those wires or nee­dles go crazy on the pa­per when you even twich an eye­lash! “It won’t hurt,” the nurse told me. I needed to squeeze my mother’s hand and jumped 5 feet into the air when she stuck those wires into me, like I was some kind of Frankenstein! Well, ariverderci!

[A bit of an ex­pla­na­tion here – I went for an elec­troen­cephalo­gram be­cause I was prone to faint­ing spells.]

Feb. 28/83

Well, we handed in our projects and mine prob­a­bly stinks. We have a sci­ence quiz to­day, did I studry? Nooooooo, and I have to do my re­li­gion as­sign­ment in study. Tomorro, I have a French and History quiz and I hope I see E.M. Today7. You know what was sad? Last night on a “Solid Gold” spe­cial, “We got the beat” came in 33 or some­thing, and Men at Work “Who can it be now” came in the twenty’s, and all these stink­ing songs came in the top 15. But I got my thrills watch­ing John Cougar on stage jump­ing and singing in those tight jeans and my heart was thump­ing so much — ahh! Nikki, Gisa, Anna C., Elena, Cindy, Elena C, Pina, Diane, Paul M., Paul F., Allister, Angie P., Atti, and I think a few more — oh yeah! Lina and Lori and I were all down at the li­brary (and so was [il­leg­i­ble]) and they al­most kicked us out on ac­count of all the noise we were mak­ing. Oh yeah, so was Gino, Rocky, Laura and Vince (who cares?). Bye!

If you’re con­fused about who the hell Rex Smith and Marilyn McCoo are, let me in­tro­duce you to the cringe-inducing won­der of 80s mu­sic va­ri­ety pro­gram­ming — Solid Gold.


When We Were Young: Ain’t That a Bitch


Nowhere girl you’re liv­ing in a dream,
Nowhere girl you stay be­hind the scenes,
Nowhere girl you never go out­side,
Nowhere girl cause you pre­fer to hide.

- Nowhere Girl, B-Movie

In this en­try, I use the word “fag” to de­scribe The Great One. There’s no ex­cuse for ig­no­rance but there is an ex­pla­na­tion — in a past post, I wrote about how ca­su­ally the word was thrown about in those days. Reading these en­tries af­ter such a long time, it oc­curred to me how clue­less I was about a lot of things. Boys, for one. Cussing. And po­etry — man, did I suck at that.

Jan. 4/83

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I had a pretty good time ex­cept for the fact that on New Year’s eve, I went to bed at 7:00 AM! and I woke up at three in the af­ter­noon. Was I tired! Oh, I just found out I haven’t been writ­ing two en­tries in you! But don’t worry, I’ll catch up. Heh! I just found out that those guys that live on my cousin’s street like me! Yup! My cousin, Tommy, said that this guy Sandro would bust down the door if they knew I was there. Oh well, they’re pre­sent­ing the plays now, so I gotta split. Bye or chow!

P.s.: I won­der what Dannie’s writ­ing in her jour­nal! (I have no resolutions!)

Jan. 6/83

Well, it’s test time, and while we’re writ­ing our test on Shakespeare, O’Toole will be com­ing around and check­ing our jour­nals, and I hope he won’t read them be­cause I got some pretty heavy stuff in here! Oh, what an em­bar­ras­ment it was yes­ter­day! We played these writ­ing games where you wind up pick­ing ten guys, and Daniela ended up mar­ry­ing Blue and I ended up mar­ry­ing [il­leg­i­ble], and then I ended up in a predica­ment with Blue. Well, we’re ig­nor­ing R — – now, yes, she’s a fe­male dog and me and Dannie are com­pletely ig­nor­ing her! Guess who I kind of like now. This guy named Juliano and he’s a babe! But I think he’s go­ing with [an] ugly girl with a nice per­son­al­ity. He goes to Jeffrey’s. Ciao!

Jan. 8/82

Well now, you’re won­der­ing why I haven’t been writ­ing in you for two days! Anyway, here I am, writ­ing. Well, I guess you heard, since it’s all around the school, that me and Dannie aren’t talk­ing to R — – be­cause she’s a fe­male dog. Well, O’TOOLE is com­ing around to check up on our jour­nal. Me and Dannie were talk­ing about how me and Juliano would make a good cou­ple. Anyways, I have to study for the Shakespeare test on Monday. I’m switch­ing the chan­nel on tele­vi­sion and I don’t know what the heck I’m watch­ing. Oh, I bet­ter go now, so see you to­mor­row! Ciao!

Jan. 9/82

Well, it’s Sunday night, and it’s about 10:20 p.m. and I’m study­ing for this Shakespeare test to­mor­row! I have to set my alarm for an early get up. Why am I writ­ing so late? Because O’Toole’s com­ing around to check you and I want to get a good mark. So I bet­ter get my beauty sleep tonight or I’m go­ing to fall asleep on you! Bye!


Jan. 12/82

Well, hello again. How do you like your mark? Well, what can I say! We’re get­ting our tests (English) back to­day and I prob­a­bly failed. Do you wanna know what makes me sick? It’s these stu­pid tests they give a week be­fore the ex­ams. I’m up to my ears in tests! We just had typ­ing as­sign­ments, and Carmela told me that she R — – was all over the guys there at a game. She is a f — – ’ b — - if you ask me, that’s why me and Daniela hate her guts and why we’re ig­nor­ing her. I’m buy­ing Sherriff’s new al­bum to­day. Probably. Maybe. I don’t know.
I’ll try writ­ing a poem:
Forget the day you ever met,
that boy you were try­ing so hard to get;
When he talked to you, you’re
mouth opened wide,
You had that funny
feel­ing in­side.
That day when he was
hold­ing your hand
You said to your­self,
that he was your
Forget that day
your lips touched his,
When you gave him
that first lov­ing kiss
Forget that night you
went all the way,
And that hard price you
had to pay
Wipe away your tears
for the mem­o­ries gone
Just tell your­self,
it’s all been a

Jan. 14/92

Well, Journal, how did you like my poem? Well, what can I say? I have a knack! Well, any­way, today’s the day I tell off R — – . Yup I tell that b — - what I wanted to say to her all this time. Wayne Gretzky’s on the cover of today’s Sun. What a fag. He pukes my liver. Totally. I’m just gonna stand aside when the fight be­gins, and then if R — – wants to say any­thing to me, then I’ll step up and tell her off. Right on! [Crude draw­ing of a fist.]
Power to the peo­ple! Daniela’s writ­ing some­thin’ good in her jour­nal. Bye!
P.s. I’ll tell you about the scrap!

We told her off good!

Jan. 20/82

Guess what! You know that Mario guy from St. Basils? Well him and his friend’s com­ing over af­ter school. They said that they just wanna say Hi! R — – gave us a note that if we wanna come, we could. Isn’t that nice? So if one of them be­comes my boyfriend, (yea, right) I owe it to R — – . I won­der if they’re hunks. Last time I made a big fool of my­self in front of Mario. It’s to em­bar­ras­ing to talk about. Oh well, Mark, Ana + Ana are pre­sent­ing a play now so I gotta split. Bye!
P.S: I’ll tell you about it!

They were rossga, glya, ukpa yma iverla!


1 2 3 4 5 6 20