The Craptacular: Guantanamo Edition


Tortured For Her Weight

By Bonnie Dean

She doesn’t know how long she was unconscious. She was even unsure how long she had been in the chamber. Days and hours melded into one another. Time became meaningless; her pain was eternal.

Khloe twisted her body to ease the stiffness in her limbs. Her movement was limited by the iron chains that bound her wrists and ankles. Her back still stung from the lashings. Each bead of sweat that trickled into her open wounds felt like a little knife. 

Someone splashed water on her face. The coldness of it shocked her into temporary alertness.

As her eyes focused, the three dark figures before her became sharper – her torturers.

The tallest one stepped forward. She could smell the rot coming from his mouth. She hoped the cancer that was eating his insides caused him as much pain as he made her experience.

“Give us your weight!” he screamed. His spittle landed on her forehead.

Khloe glared at him. “No!” she cried.

Her defiance seemed to both amuse and anger him. She thought she saw the corner of his mouth go up, but it was gone so quickly she couldn’t tell if it was a smile or a sneer. His face turned red and his brow became furrowed.

“This is your last chance. You will give us your weight!”

She had been tortured for a lot of things – for information, mostly. The whereabouts of her criminal boyfriend, the hiding place of their cache of guns, when they buried the gold they stole. But never for her weight. It made no sense to her, but given the strange, illogical path the world was taking, nothing surprised her anymore.

“Never!” Khloe said, her voice affecting a low, dead timbre. “You can torture me all you want, I will never give you my weight! You can have all the gold. And the guns. But not my curves!”

And with every last bit of energy she could muster, with every drop of saliva she could draw from her mouth, she spit in his face.

His eyes grew wide. He wiped her phlegm from his face, and looked at it in his palm. The insolence!

He drew up his hand and slapped her. The giant ring on his finger left a small gash in her cheek. That’ll leave a mark, Khloe thought.

“For that, you will DIE!”

He silently motioned to the other two men, who began to unlock the chains binding her to the rack. As they dragged her away to face her executioner, Khloe called out her last words –

“I fear nothing for God is with me…and my bodacious booty!”


When You Were Young: Nobody’s Diary


What kinda boy you’re lookin’ for girl?
Must he be just like your favourite movie star?

What Kinda Boy You’re Lookin’ For (Girl), Hot Chocolate

March of 1983 must of ushered in some kind of spring fever, because there is no other way to explain this drivel. As you read this, you’ll notice I once thought 30 was middle-aged. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and smack by 14-year-old self.

March 2/83

Well, what do you know! O’Toole can’t talk that good, so we’re getting a free period! And I’m splittin early today, like at 3:00. Boogie has band, and like it’s totally boring, so I’m going home and watch “General Hospital”. It’s getting good, Holly lost her baby, they have a hunch on who killed Susan, and Blackie (uhh!) is helping out this girl (runaway) who doesn’t even have eyes for him. Stupid fool. If I could have 10 minutes alone with that guy, heavens knows what would happen. I’m in a happy mood today, I don’t know why. Tomorrow we have a Math Test – (yuck) – Enzo got suspended, and I have projects up to my ears, and I got -3 in my net words in typing – sad case, man. Boogie always makes up sad poems, so I’ll try:

dead kittens, dead kittens,
means no more mittens
They ate their pie
and said goodbye
Who knows they would die,
Oh me, oh my,
dead kittens, dead kittens

S-a-a-ad, man, with a capital S. Now I know why Boogie’s deranged as she is. Well, these 10 minutes are taking quite long, so I might as well go. Bye!

March 8/83

Chello! I guess you were reading those notes, eh? Well, sorry I haven’t been writing in you lately, but you know, work, work, work! It behooves me to say, did you watch “Square Pegs” last night? Those guys who were playing were such babes, they looked like the Stray Cats. Anyways, I hear we’re gonna dissect frogs today. Good, ’cause I hear they give you warts — or was it toads? Well, I don’t know what to write in you, journal, except that Enzo is back, Daniela still loves Lino, Elena has long hair, Boogie’s got frizzy hair, and what do I have? – not only beautiful hair, but I got flair! Oh-oh, I think I’ve been reading Medusa’s journal too much. Ahhhh- I’m turning to stone! Ohh, save me, help me. Why am I writing in red? I don’t know. Hey, Medusa, if you’re reading this, I think you’re a ignorant slut! Your menacing hair and your rough face makes my puke undesirably. (Just jokin’.) Bye! Have a wonderful day!

March 10/83

Hi! Did yu hear about Mark B——–‘s father? Well, there was this robbery, and a window was smashed of a department or jewelry store, and Mark’s father was repairing it and didn’t notice the live wire that killed him. I don’t even know the guy, but I still feel sorry for him. You know you makes my day everytime I see him? E.M., you know. Well today’s Dianna D——s’ birthday, and did you see that hunk-of-a-babe Jeff Colby on Dynasty last night? That Kirby chick is one lucky bitch! Well, I don’t know what to write about today, so I think I’ll leave it up to here. Bye!

March 16/83

Chello! Today’s Elena’s birthday (F——-) and Elena C—–‘s was the day before. I’m sorry I haven’t written in you the other day, but I had to do my Eng. homework. Boogie’s sick (No, no in the head – she’s always sick in the head, if you know what I mean), and she stayed home (no, not in the institution, at home) and she has a stomach ache (probably from the food they serve there or from the shock treatments). I shouldn’t make fun of her when she’s sick but, well, that’s me! This throat is killing me, and did you see “Gone with the Wind” yesterday? That’s my favourite oldie.

I think E.M. knows and Diane L—– likes him. Well, if he goes for her, she can have him. You know what I’m scared of? Someone reading this, except for Daniela. All this stuff in here, man. Well tomorrow’s St. Pat’s day, and we can dress up like little leprechauns in snotty green. But don’t take me wrong, I’m not prejudice or anything, it’s just that they could’ve picked another coloiur, like – purple! or better yet, pink or red! or all those other snazzy colours. Well, chow!

P.S. Love ya!

March 18/83

Even though it’s March break next week, you won’t be lonely! I’ll be writing my secrets in you!

Hello! It’s March 27th, Sunday, and it’s back to torture tomorrow! Ooh, what I have to tell you, boy! I’ve tried to get picked up once, someone fell in love with me, and we were looked at by so many gorgeous hunks of guys, man. We went downtown, the library, and went to see “the Outsiders”. Wait ’till I return!

“Hungry like the wolf” is playing now on the radio. I get hungry like the wolf when I see them, man. Now, about when I was getting picked up. Well, we were (Angie + me) waiting outside the changing room of Stitches waiting for Boogie, while she was trying on polo shirts (which took practically all day), and while we were trying to break down the door, this middle-aged (maybe 30) came up to us and on his side was this cute guy who was about my age and then the man started asking for my no. and I said no, my mother would kill me! and then he asked me if I wanted his and I said no. Then he asked me if I wanted a date with him. I said no to everything. I don’t think he liked it when his friend was always pushing him like that and he said that his friend was coo-coo and then he went back to work. I know all this time you must think I’m coo-coo, but I hate it when guys push their friends, and then we were going to the can, and we were all staring at him and then when Ang + Boogie turned around, he motioned his head to me to come over. Well, like a fool, I didn’t go cause I didn’t fee like it and plus I dunno if he was taking to me!

March 29/83

Chello! After school today is soccer practice. I’m glad that no one can read my writing, because if they try to look at you, they can’t understand it. I stayed up till 11:30 last night doing my science project. Sometimes Mr. V. drives me up the wall. Did you happen to catch “The Thorn Birds” last night? Oh, I forgot, I don’t have a T.V. in my locker. Well, anyway, the main character, played by Richard Chamerlain, in one scene, he was completely nude except for the towel. Angie must have been freaking out, totally. And if there’s another thing I hate is typing. Miss C. can stick her drills for cycles you know where! Every time I look at Boogie, I start to laugh, I dunno why. Maybe Mario dropped her because when they were makin’ out, her hair was probably all stuck in her face. Bye! (hahaha)

March 31/83

Oh, today we have a science test, and I couldn’t study ’cause Boogie has my notes. I have to go stoody because we have science next, ’cause we have a short day and periods are only half an hour! Bye!


When You Were Young: Sweet Dreams Are Made of This


She blinded me with science
And failed me in biology

She Blinded Me with Science, Thomas Dolby

Wow. Just wow. I don’t really know what to say about these posts. February 1983 appears to have been quite active, and if you judge me by my writing, you’d think I had ADD. Maybe I did, but they didn’t diagnose it as readily back then.

I was never a brilliant student but a genius at procrastinating. I put in as much effort into my studying as one can at midnight on a school day. I can only imagine how far I could have gone if I had focused my energy more into schoolwork than I did at dream interpretation and scorekeeping.

Feb. 1/83

Yello! We just came back from exam week, and for me, it wasn’t a good weekend because I had the flu. Oh! We’re getting our exams back and these are my marks! (so far) MATH – 72%, HISTORY – 79%, FRENCH – 70%, MUSIC – 80%, RELIGION – 93%, ENGLISH – 70%, SCIENCE – ?, AND TYPING – 79%. I went up a lot in history and music! Anyway Ximena came here yesterday, but when everybody came out, they were gone! Oh well, there’s nothing to write today, so I might as well say bye. Ciao!

Feb. 3/83

Yello! Dreams are strange! Like the one I had last night. I dreamt that the lead singer from the Stray Cats was playing hockey in the tennis court, and his jacket was in my room. It had all these groups on it and in big letters, JOHN LENNON was written on it! I was going, All right! and then Boogie was suddenly in my room. Then the radio was playing “Stray Cat Strut” and we start dancing and singing and then the lead singer started looking through my window and then Boogie started to act sleezy, and he was checking me out, and then I woke up, and I was mad! Who knows what could’ve happened!

And then there was the other dream I had the night before. I dreamt that I was on the boat with these two other girls and the group Duran Duran. One of those girls was jealous, because one of the guys didn’t like her, but liked me (I looked older and had lots of makeup on, and had this short-short minidress on). First we were just sitting there, then he comes to sit next to me, and starts kissing my neck. Then as soon as you know it, we’re getting down to it right on the floor! That girl started to cry, and they they all left. I woke up with a smile on my face. He was the keyboardist, I think, and he was such a babe! Bye!

Feb. 7/83

Well, it’s another boring day, and my stomach’s hurting! I might have to go home if it really catches up. Guess what I got in net words in typing today — 3. Sad, man. Oh, O’Toole is coming around to check our mythology homework. I didn’t finish it, so he’ll probably tie me to the bottom of Mount Olympus and let the Gorgons get me! Good! I’m not gonna take a trip to Greece! Oh shit, I gotta get my booster (tetanus) shot today. Last time I had it (5 years ago), I started crying. Chow!

Feb. 9/83

Hello! Oh, what a morning! I came in late! Along with Daniela, because the bus passed us by, and maybe, because I woke up late! I also got a detention, and guess who I like now: Enzo M——–! He’s cute, and he’s the one who gets called down to the office almost every day! Oh, well, maybe I don’t have to go to detention tomorrow, maybe they’ll miss me, maybe they won’t, then maybe I’ll get two detentions! Sorry about my messy writing, someone took my pen, and I intend to get it back! Revenge! Bye!

Feb. 15/83

Well, today’s the big play. “Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?” Yup, we’re gonna see ‘Romeo + Juliet’. Hey, did you see Square Pegs last night? Well, Bill Murray was on and it was hilarious! I saw this movie “Who will love my Children?” and I was crying buckets. All right, all our periods last half an hour! Oh, bye!

Feb. 17/83

Hi! How was the play? It was good – and I mean good! Romeo was such a babe, and the play was a bit horny. Oh! The boys basketball team (Enzo’s in it) lost to Chaminade yesterday — 36-49 — and guess what Enzo said to me. “Fix the score” – I could’ve died! And R—– was all over Tony – yuck. That guy looks like an old geezer when he puts his hands in his pockets. Oh, don’t mind my sniffling, I just have a cold that’s driving me out of mind. As yesterday was Andy Taylor’s birthday (the guitarist as Duran Duran) — I think he was the one in my dream — anyway he turned 23 (I think). Guess what I got on my net words in the timed writing — 0. Tonight’s another game with Brother Edmund Rice. I hope I can scorekeep again, and I hope I don’t have to go get water. They made me do that when it was the middle of the game. It was embarrassing because everybody was staring at me. (Ahhh!) Bye!

Feb. 21/83

Hello! O’Toole’s blabbing his mouth about our project and almost everyone isn’t listening ’cause they’re all writing in there journals. I went to bed (with who?) last night at 12:00 and couldn’t sleep till 1 AM, that’s why I’m yawning every 5 minutes. But you what I look forward to coming to school? ‘Cause Enzo comes! I think Gabe’s gonna tell ’em. You know who I hate? Rex Smith! When that guy’s singing, it looks and sounds as if he’s having an appendicitis attack. And I also detest Marylin McCoo. That old bag is so skinny, her husband probably uses them for picking his ears. I just love insulting people! Anyway, you know my cousin’s (sponsor’s) boyfriend? He was Friday’s sunshine boy. Yes, they did break-up, but they’re still friends. I was hoping that they would tie the knot! Toodleloo!

Feb. 24/83

Hi! I jjust cam back from a P.D. day and it wasn’t that exciting as a P.D. day should’ve been. First of all, I was wokin’ up by the sound of the T.V. at 10:00 AM, like I haven’t slept that much in a week, and I need the sleep! Then, I had a talk with my friendly (and all greedy) orthodontist who informed me that I have to get braces, and also reminded how expensive it is. My mother was freaking out, totally. The I went to the hospital, only to get wires with little points stuck into my head, and those wires or needles go crazy on the paper when you even twich an eyelash! “It won’t hurt,” the nurse told me. I needed to squeeze my mother’s hand and jumped 5 feet into the air when she stuck those wires into me, like I was some kind of Frankenstein! Well, ariverderci!

[A bit of an explanation here – I went for an electroencephalogram because I was prone to fainting spells.]

Feb. 28/83

Well, we handed in our projects and mine probably stinks. We have a science quiz today, did I studry? Nooooooo, and I have to do my religion assignment in study. Tomorro, I have a French and History quiz and I hope I see E.M. Today7. You know what was sad? Last night on a “Solid Gold” special, “We got the beat” came in 33 or something, and Men at Work “Who can it be now” came in the twenty’s, and all these stinking songs came in the top 15. But I got my thrills watching John Cougar on stage jumping and singing in those tight jeans and my heart was thumping so much – ahh! Nikki, Gisa, Anna C., Elena, Cindy, Elena C, Pina, Diane, Paul M., Paul F., Allister, Angie P., Atti, and I think a few more – oh yeah! Lina and Lori and I were all down at the library (and so was [illegible]) and they almost kicked us out on account of all the noise we were making. Oh yeah, so was Gino, Rocky, Laura and Vince (who cares?). Bye!

If you’re confused about who the hell Rex Smith and Marilyn McCoo are, let me introduce you to the cringe-inducing wonder of 80s music variety programming – Solid Gold.


When We Were Young: Ain’t That a Bitch


Nowhere girl you’re living in a dream,
Nowhere girl you stay behind the scenes,
Nowhere girl you never go outside,
Nowhere girl cause you prefer to hide.

Nowhere Girl, B-Movie

In this entry, I use the word “fag” to describe The Great One. There’s no excuse for ignorance but there is an explanation – in a past post, I wrote about how casually the word was thrown about in those days.  Reading these entries after such a long time, it occurred to me how clueless I was about a lot of things. Boys, for one. Cussing. And poetry – man, did I suck at that.

Jan. 4/83

HAPPY NEW YEAR! I had a pretty good time except for the fact that on New Year’s eve, I went to bed at 7:00 AM! and I woke up at three in the afternoon. Was I tired! Oh, I just found out I haven’t been writing two entries in you! But don’t worry, I’ll catch up. Heh! I just found out that those guys that live on my cousin’s street like me! Yup! My cousin, Tommy, said that this guy Sandro would bust down the door if they knew I was there. Oh well, they’re presenting the plays now, so I gotta split. Bye or chow!

P.s.: I wonder what Dannie’s writing in her journal! (I have no resolutions!)

Jan. 6/83

Well, it’s test time, and while we’re writing our test on Shakespeare, O’Toole will be coming around and checking our journals, and I hope he won’t read them because I got some pretty heavy stuff in here! Oh, what an embarrasment it was yesterday! We played these writing games where you wind up picking ten guys, and Daniela ended up marrying Blue and I ended up marrying [illegible], and then I ended up in a predicament with Blue. Well, we’re ignoring R—– now, yes, she’s a female dog and me and Dannie are completely ignoring her! Guess who I kind of like now. This guy named Juliano and he’s a babe! But I think he’s going with [an] ugly girl with a nice personality. He goes to Jeffrey’s. Ciao!

Jan. 8/82

Well now, you’re wondering why I haven’t been writing in you for two days! Anyway, here I am, writing. Well, I guess you heard, since it’s all around the school, that me and Dannie aren’t talking to R—– because she’s a female dog. Well, O’TOOLE is coming around to check up on our journal. Me and Dannie were talking about how me and Juliano would make a good couple. Anyways, I have to study for the Shakespeare test on Monday. I’m switching the channel on television and I don’t know what the heck I’m watching. Oh, I better go now, so see you tomorrow! Ciao!

Jan. 9/82

Well, it’s Sunday night, and it’s about 10:20 p.m. and I’m studying for this Shakespeare test tomorrow! I have to set my alarm for an early get up. Why am I writing so late? Because O’Toole’s coming around to check you and I want to get a good mark. So I better get my beauty sleep tonight or I’m going to fall asleep on you! Bye!


Jan. 12/82

Well, hello again. How do you like your mark? Well, what can I say! We’re getting our tests (English) back today and I probably failed. Do you wanna know what makes me sick? It’s these stupid tests they give a week before the exams. I’m up to my ears in tests! We just had typing assignments, and Carmela told me that she R—– was all over the guys there at a game. She is a f—–‘ b—- if you ask me, that’s why me and Daniela hate her guts and why we’re ignoring her. I’m buying Sherriff’s new album today. Probably. Maybe. I don’t know.
I’ll try writing a poem:
Forget the day you ever met,
that boy you were trying so hard to get;
When he talked to you, you’re
mouth opened wide,
You had that funny
feeling inside.
That day when he was
holding your hand
You said to yourself,
that he was your
Forget that day
your lips touched his,
When you gave him
that first loving kiss
Forget that night you
went all the way,
And that hard price you
had to pay
Wipe away your tears
for the memories gone
Just tell yourself,
it’s all been a

Jan. 14/92

Well, Journal, how did you like my poem? Well, what can I say? I have a knack! Well, anyway, today’s the day I tell off R—–. Yup I tell that b—- what I wanted to say to her all this time. Wayne Gretzky’s on the cover of today’s Sun. What a fag. He pukes my liver. Totally. I’m just gonna stand aside when the fight begins, and then if R—– wants to say anything to me, then I’ll step up and tell her off. Right on! [Crude drawing of a fist.]
Power to the people! Daniela’s writing somethin’ good in her journal. Bye!
P.s. I’ll tell you about the scrap!

We told her off good!

Jan. 20/82

Guess what! You know that Mario guy from St. Basils? Well him and his friend’s coming over after school. They said that they just wanna say Hi! R—– gave us a note that if we wanna come, we could. Isn’t that nice? So if one of them becomes my boyfriend, (yea, right) I owe it to R—–. I wonder if they’re hunks. Last time I made a big fool of myself in front of Mario. It’s to embarrasing to talk about. Oh well, Mark, Ana + Ana are presenting a play now so I gotta split. Bye!
P.S: I’ll tell you about it!

They were rossga, glya, ukpa yma iverla!


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