Email From A Guy: Disney Edition

My friend Jen re­ceived this let­ter from a suitor on OKStupid. (Thanks for sharing!) It’s all I can do to keep the bile down. Is he look­ing for a date or does he want to res­cue a princess?

Gentleman, no woman falls for this shit. Unless she has hun­dreds of stuffed an­i­mals on her bed, has read every Harlequin ro­mance novel ever pub­lished and has been plan­ning her wed­ding since she was five. 

Oh heav­enly blessed beauty, whose in­ner beauty is sim­ply di­vine and ever­last­ing, I would love to be your knight in shin­ing ar­mor. If you want to talk to a good friend, hon­est, sweet and ten­der, you can do with me at any mo­ment, I am a good per­son, kind, loyal and sin­cere. My friend­ship that I of­fer you is clean and trans­par­ent. I con­grat­u­late to you, be­cause you are very beau­ti­ful. your beauty, your charm­ing fig­ure, your pleas­ant and an­gel­i­cal smile, your per­son­al­ity, your hap­pi­ness, your charm, your kind­ness, your beau­ti­ful eyes, your lips soft and ex­quis­ite, your del­i­cate hands, your pre­cious legs, spec­tac­u­lar and di­vine body, you have all these qual­i­ties and more. You are a won­der­ful and per­fect woman, your gaze is ten­der and sweet, pen­e­trat­ing my soul. The beauty of a rose has no com­par­i­son with the sweet­ness of your face and the beauty of your heart. I am of the peo­ple, I like to have a good re­la­tion­ship with all my friends.

Email From A Guy: Sir Loin of Beef Edition

Him: A gen­tle­man in­tro­duc­tion of ut­most im­por­tance to u

Your Knight in shiney ar­mour awaits.

Me: You spelled “shiny” wrong.

A gen­tle­man in­tro­duc­tion of ut­most im­por­tance to u

Jan. 22, 2011 – 1:18am

Your Knight in shiney ar­mour awaits.A gen­tle­man in­tro­duc­tion of ut­most im­por­tance to u

Jan. 22, 2011 – 1:18am

Your Knight in shiney ar­mour awaits.

When You Were Young: Fourteen Candles

If they were me and I was you,
Would you have liked
a present too?

- Happy Birthday, Altered Images

Oct. 6/82

Hi! It’s me again! We just came back from typ­ing, and we did philo­soph­i­cal say­ings like, “do look at the queer pep­per holder” and “ask her to show you the or­der too”. Oh well, I have to bring in the choco­late money and I have had it up to my ears lately. Three more days and it’s John Lennon’s birth­day, then 2 more days af­ter that, it’s my birth­day! Next week is go­ing to be good. To start it all of, on Monday, we have a hol­i­day, Tuesday’s my birth­day (the big 14), Wednesday and Thursday are school days, but Friday, we go on the trip! God, I’m so ex­cited! Oh I just found out the guy I like sort of al­ready has a girl­friend. Bye!

People won­der how their life is go­ing to be when they’re over 60. Young peo­ple look at the old peo­ple on the street, with no place to go, and say to them­selves, “When I’m an old per­son, I’m not go­ing to live life like that or be like that.” Well, you’ll never know. To old peo­ple, turn­ing old means lazi­ness, de­pres­sion, and noth­ing to live for, and some­times to other peo­ple, a burden.

I don’t know where this ageist tripe came from, or why I wrote it. I’m just glad I didn’t con­sider 40 to be old. I would have re­ally hated my 13-year-old self.

Oct. 8/82

Hi! “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. oh, you don’t have to go.” I love that song, and I can’t get it our of my head. I had the strangest dream last night. R — – , Daniela, Frank, Mark and Vince and I were in a lake or some­thing and all the guys were dressed as pi­rates. Dreams are strange, and so are peo­ple. When I went down to the sleazy side of town, I saw a lot of weirdos, you know, freaks. Anyway, isn’t it strange that I’m not writ­ing about typ­ing any­more? Tommorrow (sorry for my spelling,), oh, I gotta split. Bye.

Oct. 13/82

Hi! Guess what day it was yes­ter­day. No, it wasn’t any Tuesday. It was my birth­day. Yes, it was the big 14. We just came out of the philo­soph­i­cal typ­ing class to­day. Yes where “the fudge is hard” and “the red trailer is fast”. I stayed up till 12:00 last night do­ing my *@** English project, we have a re­li­gion test, and I have to do my sci­ence. Oh well, life goes on. Blue jean pen­cil cases, what will they think of next. Oh, bye!

Radio Song

The Dire Straits song “Money for Nothing” was banned from Canadian ra­dio by the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council (CBSC), who ruled that “the song vi­o­lates the industry’s code of ethics be­cause the lyrics in­clude the word “fag­got” three times.” This comes on the heels of the re­cent san­i­tiz­ing of the Mark Twain clas­sic The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

I was 16 years old when “Money for Nothing” was re­leased in the sum­mer of 1985. I wasn’t a huge Dire Straits fan, but I liked the song be­cause it was catchy and the video was ground-breaking at the time. I don’t re­mem­ber much ado be­ing made about the word “fag­got” be­ing used; back then, in my high school, the word was part of the ver­nac­u­lar, of­ten thrown about as an in­sult be­tween teenage boys (a few of whom I’m sure have come out by now).

I was re­cently go­ing through my old high-school jour­nals and no­ticed that I used the term “fag” twice. It was dis­con­cert­ing, to say the least, but that was close to thirty years ago. I didn’t know bet­ter back then; I was the prod­uct of my Catholic up­bring­ing and ho­mo­pho­bic high-school en­vi­ron­ment, where ho­mo­sex­u­al­ity was con­sid­ered a sin. Guys who wore make-up (ex­cept those in new-wave or heavy-metal bands) or were even slightly less than the mas­cu­line ideal were called “fags”. (Which is ironic given that this and this were con­sid­ered ma­cho back then.) Twenty-five years have given me a per­spec­tive and an in­tel­li­gence that one can never have as a teenager.

I now un­der­stand how terms like “fag­got” can be painful to hear for some people. Over time, I’ve be­come a lit­tle sen­si­tive to songs and videos that hint at misog­y­nism. While I bop my head to Jay Z’s “99 Problems”, I cringe over the line “and a bitch ain’t one”. I strug­gled with with “Under My Thumb” by the Rolling Stones un­til I started think­ing that the lyrics don’t nec­es­sar­ily have to be about all women. Even my beloved Beatles recorded a song, “Run for Your Life”, that had the lyric “I’d rather see you dead, lit­tle girl, than to be with an­other man…” It’s a con­flict I deal with oc­cas­sion­ally. Because the al­ter­na­tive — stop lis­ten­ing to pop­u­lar mu­sic al­to­gether — is sim­ply not an op­tion for me.

What I do is put every­thing into per­spec­tive. I con­sider the con­text sur­round­ing the song. Back then, “Run For Your Life” may not have raised many eye­brows at the time - but it would cer­tainly raise a furor now. And to me that shows how far we’ve come. Also, the song is not in­dica­tive of their en­tire cre­ative out­put - the Beatles didn’t have a cat­a­logue of songs ded­i­cated to women-bashing. And lastly, the lyrics may be highly per­sonal or re­flec­tive of the writer’s ex­pe­ri­ence at the time. This same logic ap­plies to “Money For Nothing”. (It’s also in­ter­est­ing to note the et­y­mol­ogy be­hind the Dire Straits song: the lyrics are based on the com­ments of a real de­liv­ery man.)

Censorship is a slip­pery slope. You ban one song, you open the door to more. What about songs that use lit­er­ary de­vices to make a point — do we ban those be­cause some peo­ple don’t get the con­cept of irony? And how far back do we go? And when does it stop? When our air­waves are filled with non-threatening pap like Justin Bieber? “Baby, baby, baby” — God help us.

Instead of cen­sor­ing and ban­ning, let’s ed­u­cate and em­power. Music can be a pow­er­ful mir­ror - it can re­flect things in so­ci­ety we don’t nec­es­sar­ily wish to see. It may also make us un­com­fort­able. But it there’s a song that in­cites big­otry or ha­tred of a spe­cific group, let’s use that to start a dis­course, let’s use it to en­act change. Because no mat­ter how hard we try to sweep some­thing un­der a rug, it will still be there.

But the hul­la­baloo over the CBSC de­ci­sion may be moot. Who ac­tu­ally lis­tens to com­mer­cial ra­dio anymore?

When You Were Young: Musical Youth

Gonna let it rock,
let it roll.

- Jack and Diane, John Cougar

Coming out of the sum­mer of 1982, my mu­si­cal tastes cen­tered mostly on clas­sic rock. (I was 13 — don’t judge.) We had just been as­signed our lock­ers (I shared one with Daniela) and we were con­tem­plat­ing de­sign ideas.

Sept. 30/82

Hi again! The rea­son I’m writ­ing in black is be­cause the blue pen ran out. Yeah Ol’ Bluey ran out on me again. I have to fix it. Well, it’s an­other bor­ing day of school again, and home­work. Oh, well, we’re gonna put those pic­tures up again! Do you wanna know who I have? Well here they are:

1) Beatles

2) Stones

3) Zepplin

4) Cougar (John)

5) Van Halen

6) Police

7) Sunshine Boy (hunk)

For some rea­son, the list was scratched out. Was I em­bar­rassed about my choices back then, too?

Oct. 4/82

Sorry, I’m late! I was fix­ing my bag. Anyway, Vinceto knows I like him and we’re hav­ing base­ball prac­tice this af­ter­noon, then I have to go to the doc­tors at my ap­point­ment at 4:00. We’re hav­ing Mass, and I have to study for a sci­ence quiz! What a hec­tic day! And to top it all off, we’re hav­ing a French test to­mor­row. Whew! I just found out that Marilyn has the Doors, “No one gets out of here alive” and I told Boogie [Daniela] and she flipped! Oh sorry I’m writ­ing so messy, but my arm is hurt­ing. Oh, I hate crowded buses, and I think I got a good mark on my English, oh well, gotta fix my bag, or it’s go­ing to suf­fer. Bye!

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